e-mail viruses: t or f?

[dAVe burlingame]

Jeremiah asked about the potential of an e-mail message to do real,
physical damage.

What follows is a collaborative message, for which I am responsible for
approximately half.

Sorry if this seems off-topic, but it helps to put a proper perspective on
this whole email thing, IMO.

dAVe


Subject: GoodTimes - a really serious alert


***   The Goodtimes Email Virus  ***

Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will
scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will
recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream
goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards,
screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics
to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix
Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its
socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will
put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide
your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you
nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and
shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current girlfriend behind
your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead.  Such
is the power of Goodtimes; it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those
things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.  It
will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice
mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and
terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat
up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave
bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with
your new snowblower.

Goodtimes will leave only 1/8" of milk in the jug. It will put the toilet
paper on the spool in the overhand method. It will reach for the bread in
the middle of the loaf. It will swing the cat around by its tail, then
teach it to make a mess in your closet when you're not home. It will make
your children look just a bit too much like your spouse's high school
sweetheart.

Goodtimes will take all the subscription cards from magazines you've never
heard of, and send them in with your name and address. It will call
Dominoes and order ten pizzas (with anchovies) to your house. It will
remove a stick of gum from your plen-t-pak, and carefully replace the foil
wrapper to the pack. It will unscrew the top of the salt shaker, and will
leave the volume up when it turns the stereo off. It will argue that CDs
are better than vinyl, VHS is better than Beta, the new Ren & Stimpy's are
better than the old, and the AMC Pacer was a good-looking automobile.

Goodtimes knows no bounds. It will leave hair on your soap, use your
toothbrush to scrub the tile, and steal all the towels when you're in the
shower. It will take the tape out of the VCR right before your show's
about to be recorded, and replace your regular coffee with Folger's
crystals. It will call your house a dozen times and hang up, so when you
get home your machine tells you that many people want to talk to you. It
will cause an earthquake at 9:04 p.m., so that the local news breaks in,
and you miss the best "Seinfeld" episode ever.

Goodtimes has a dark history. It put Joe Piscopo on "Saturday Night Live,"
and gave Danielle Steel her book contract. It gave Todd Bridges a gun, and
was responsible for Black Friday.

That is all, you've been warned...