Censorship Grant Wanted

[CMUNSON]

Thomas: I see some problems in securing funding for your grant. You have 
neglected to plan for and itemize the costs involved in hiring and training 
monitors for your print and AV collections. Covering those angles would ensure 
that your libraries would provide the same quality of access to all parts of 
your collection, regardless of format.

;-)

Chuck

______________________________ Reply Separator _________________________________
Subject: Censorship Grant Wanted
Author:  "Thomas W. Perrin" <tperrin937 at worldnet.att.net> at Internet
Date:    9/2/97 4:50 PM


We have decided to seek a grant in order to pay the costs of monitoring 
all those persons who want unrestricted internet access and in order to 
keep them from seeing any items deemed inappropriate by the 
politico/religio powerbases in our community.  
     
We figure that one person should be able to monitor four terminals at a 
time by pacing back and forth on a regular basis (one supervisor has 
proposed that we install a punch clock at the end of each row.  This, 
however, would add to the total cost of the grant we are seeking.)
     
We have 75,000 patrons and nine branches. Each branch is open at least 
six days a week, and two are open a half day on Sundays. There are four 
to six banks of 4 terminals in each branch. However, some branches have 
single terminals in isolated parts of the building, and we propose 
putting a full time censorship assistant behind each of these terminals. 
We have also proposed that we hire a full time censorship person to 
monitor the activities of the reference librarian. Fortunately, the 
entire professional staff (i.e. those with MLS degrees or the equivalent) 
have refused additional censorship duties.  Although their reasons for 
doing so are thought suspect by some, this will enable us to hire 
additional staff at much lower cost for salaries and benefits. This may, 
in part, be offset by the necessity of hiring a a Chief of Censorship 
Services at a professional salary level. This person would perform 
supervisory services and be the principal link to the politico/religio 
community.
     
We have, to date, been largely unsuccessful in luring the young adult 
patron into the library.  Some of our critics had thought that 
unrestricted access to the internet would solve that problem, but the 
debate on internet access has caused us to rethink our position. We now 
believe that by eliminating YA acquisitions entirely and by supporting 
censorship, we should be able to dispense with this population 
altogether and concentrate our resources on the pre-teens and adult 
populations.
     
We also believe that we can kill two political birds with one stone. By 
hiring a large number of censorship assistants, we can help reduce our 
local unemployment problem and keep the politico/religio faction off our 
backs at least until the grant funds run out.
     
In order to pacify the constitutionalists, we propose to offer them free 
coupons to local cyber cafes. 
     
My questions to the list are these: What should the qualifications be of 
our censorship assistants? What training should they receive, and who 
should they get it from? How much should they be paid, and should they 
receive the same benefits as other library persons? Should the 
censorship assistants wear a uniform or be otherwise distinguished from 
the rest of the library staff.
     
Oh, one more thing.  To whom should we apply for a grant of this type, 
and do you think there would be much competition for it?  Would our 
prospects for receiving such a grant be enhanced by encorporating some 
kind of behavioral modification, such as electric shock, for those 
attempting to view inappropriate materials?
     
We're kinda new at this stuff, so any help you could provide would be 
greatly appreciated.
     
     
Thomas W. Perrin